


Language Lesson

by FFlove190



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Crack, M/M, weebo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-10
Updated: 2014-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-17 08:06:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10589883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FFlove190/pseuds/FFlove190
Summary: Random plot bunny: in which Zack and Sephiroth were randomly caught smooching by someone and rumors spread like wildfire. Reno tries to explain the strange fangirls that resulted to them; mostly because he's an asshole.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I discovered this in my writing folder, polished and completed and never posted. So here you go.

 

“Ya'll know why your here?” Reno stood at the center of the large meeting hall. As usual, the Turk looked like he had just rolled out of bed; and, with the way he paraded around the room, like he owned the place.

 

Sephiroth and Zack shared a glance. It had been Tseng who set up this meeting a rather sudden two hours ago. For once, the silver general looked as confused about it as Zack felt. It wasn't like the [lieutenant] had any idea what was going on. One minute he and Angeal had been in some intense training, and then all of a sudden he was being ordered into this weird meeting room with Sephiroth. It looked like a Turk meeting room, but... still...

 

Reno sized the duo up. There were only two chairs in the entire room – which was ridiculous. It was bigger than Zack's whole apartment. Sephiroth was sitting as he always did, straight-backed and like the world was wasting his time. Zack was leaning forward, trying to figure out what was even going on.

 

Now, even though SOLDIER and Turk were supposed to hate each other, Zack couldn't bring himself to hate these guys. Yeah. Some of them were weird beyond belief, but Zack liked them. He and Reno got into tons of shit together. It had taken their superiors three months to catch on that they were working together to cause mass mayhem.

 

So, now, here he was in a room with his bro-Turk and his lover, and he had absolutely no idea why.

 

“Reno. Why are we here?” The words came out a little more whiny than Zack had intended. He caught the twitch from Sephiroth, the amused tweak of his brow.

 

Reno smirked. It was one of those devious smirks he got when he was about to make the big reveal.

 

“Oh, I'll show ya' why your here, yo.” Reno stepped back for a moment and a projector flared to life. There was an image plastered all over the nice wall.

 

It was of them – _them_. After the shitty mission last month Zack had been ready to hit the breaking point; so, he did something stupid. He jumped Seph in public. There relationship was pretty flexible and open. There were only two rules: come back from every mission and don't get seen. The last one was Seph's sacred oath – he didn't want anyone in ShinRa to find out about them. Not their friends, comrades, and least of all Hojo. 

 

“Oh fuck.” Zack said it as he winced and visibly cowered.

 

Already the younger soldier could feel the anger radiating off of Sephiroth. He was going to get an earful later.

 

“Fuck is right, yo. Can't believe you guys went at it in an alley. Downright raunchy.” Reno's sarcasm wasn't appreciated. “Your lucky we managed to do some damage control. Pretty much everyone thinks this pic is doctored. Shame there weren't any others.” The Turk shrugged his shoulders. Zack really didn't like the direction this was going; and he really wasn't feeling like getting stabbed today.

 

“What else is there, Turk?” The silver general's words were like creeping darkness. Reno only hesitated for a moment, but grinned back.

 

“It's a damn shame,” the damn Turk said wistfully. “That you got a whole new following.”

 

The image of them at the bar was replaced by new ones. It took Zack a moment to recognize the strangely drawn, overly-elongated figures. It was mostly by the hair.

 

“Wait. That's... what?”

 

“Ha! You guys are the most popular spank bank material for the world and people are just tossing shit out left and right.”

 

“People are _drawing_ this?” Sephiroth's disgust was palpable. To be fair, the super-model skinny pictures had nothing on the god-like beauty he was. The only thing that made him recognizable were the consistently drawn bangs and cat-eyes. 

 

But, at least Sephiroth looked a little bit like himself. The pictures Zack realized were him were just... weird. Some of them were more okay than others – looking like a badass and sort of like himself with some weird ass eyeliner. But the rest, he looked like a terrified round little... thing. One of them even had ears on it. Dog ears.

 

“Does _everyone_ know?” Zack found himself asking. “How can they know? You guys don't just go calling me a puppy in public. Why do I have dog ears!?” 

 

Sephiroth leveled Zack one of those looks of his. It told him he was overreacting about the wrong thing. But Seph answered him nonetheless. “Genesis gets drunk easily.”

 

“Seph!” Zack felt thoroughly embarassed. _Everyone_ knew. He was the SOLDIER puppy. This was turning into the weirdest meeting ever. 

 

“Turk,” Sephiroth easily ignored his young lover. “Why are you showing us this?”

 

“I just wanted to show ya' what sort a phenomenon you've become, yo. Maybe educate ya' a bit on the finer points of your fandom.”

 

Fandom? That sounded dangerous. Like... the silver elite dangerous.

 

Reno only smirked.

 

“Alright. Number one: your fanbase: the fujoshi.”

 

Zack spared a look from the crazed-looking redhead to his superior. But Seph was just staring at Reno, giving him his most unimpressed stare. But he was listening. Like he understood whatever garble was coming out of his mouth.

 

If Seph was going to humor him, then Zack might as well too. If he was going to be trapped in a room listening to a Turk talk about people who were drawing weird pictures of him and Sephiroth, he was going to annoy the fuck out of Reno.

 

“Fu Joe Shit? Is that Wutain?”

 

“It's Foo-Joe-Shi, dipshit.” Reno rolled his eyes. “And of course it's Wutain. Ya' ever noticed how weirdly popular some shit gets in Midgar. Sometimes the best slang is Wutain.”

 

It maded sense, even if Zack didn't want to admit it. He also didn't want to admit that he wasn't spending nearly enough time out in Midgar to know what people were saying anymore. He'd been travelling all over the world at a breakneck speed with one mission after another. He hadn't even been able to get any time in with Sephiroth.

 

“'Kay. So what's it mean?”

 

“So a fujoshi is slang for a chick who likes to watch guys fuck. But, not like real guys, yo. Real guys turned into pretty boys.” Reno waggled his arm at the offensive pictures at the screen.

 

Zack honestly couldn't see the appeal in it. It was more likely to make him laugh than get aroused. Seriously, had these people even  _seen_ Seph? His picture was plastered everywhere; how could they not? These pictures made him look like an unfeeling, chiseled piece of overly fluff fabulous. The real Seph was nothing like that. 

 

“Now. When two pretty boys get it on, this is called yaoi.”

 

“Yow.” Zack repeated. What a weird word.

 

“Yaoi.”

 

“Yowee.”

 

“Super cultured, bro. Didn't you fight in the war? Seriously how come you don't know any of this shit? Ahh, you should be seriously glad I'm helping you out with this. Anyway,” Reno clicked something and the picture on the screen changed.

 

Now there were strangely explicit pictures of these weird not-Seph and not-Zack prettified people having sex. But Zack wasn't sure if they were touching penises or dildos. Everything was all whited out in a phallic shape.

 

Sephiroth sighed next to him. That was the closest he was going to get to saying 'What the fuck are you doing.'

 

Zack translated for Reno. “What  _is_ this, Reno? It's like... weird alternate universe me having sex with a dildo.” 

 

Reno shrugged. “That's just how the world rolls. Wutai has some weird ass censorship laws, for some reason even people outside of Wutai follow 'em. Anyway, this is yaoi. Now, guess what. It used to mean super explicit sex without any premise – a weird word for porn. But the rest of the world got to it and decided it should apply to when hawt guys go at it.”

 

“How do you even _know_?” Zack was torn between horror and awe. Horror at the fact that this existed and awe at Reno's random ass knowledge. Zack was beginning to suspect that Reno had too much free time on his hands now that they weren't allowed to interact unsupervised. 

 

Reno waggled his brows. “Trust me. I know. Anyway, yaoi shouldn't be confused for shounen ai.” The images flipped to... the alternate universe versions of themselves in flowers, hugging sweetly, or just doing randomly cute ass shit. If it was anything else being cute, Zack might have actually appreciated it. “Now, shounen ai is literally boy love. It's basically yaoi over in Wutai, but over here it means people doing shit without getting down and dirty about it.”

 

“Wait... this show-wai – er, show-eet... boy love stuff is the same as that uh... yaouch, thing?”

 

“Only in Wutai.”

 

“Do you actually have a point to all of this?” Sephiroth's voice cut through the conversation as swiftly as his blade would have. “Some of us have work to do.”

 

Reno raised a hand in mock-pain. “I'm only trying to educate you.”

 

“Leaning about irrelevant things does not make them any less irrelevant.”

 

“Sephy, baby, don't be like that.”

 

“Don't call him that,” Zack beat Seph to the punch on that one. It was just a few days ago that they had an intense heart to heart about nicknames. It turns out that he hated them. He could stand Seph, it was short, easy to say, and mostly a term of endearment between friends. But anything else just made him see red. Apparently he'd killed quite a few people who tried to give him nicknames as a kid; he still had a complex about it.

 

Reno looked surprised as the venom in his voice. Actually he almost looked uncomfortable. It took a lot to rattle a Turk, especially one as annoying as Reno.

 

“Anyway,” the redhead continued, clicking another button. “Yaoi's always made up of a guy and another guy going at it. But get this, there's always a top and a bottom. The top is called a seme and the bottom an uke.”

 

Zack could almost feel Seph roll his eyes. “A seme is an aggressor and the uke the acceptor. What beautiful names for a pitcher and a catcher.” Seemed like Seph wasn't going to let the nickname drop anytime soon.

 

Reno shrugged. He didn't seem to be smirking as widely as he did, though. “Kinda. At least a catcher has some shred of masculinity in him. An uke is basically a bitch with a dick. And guess who everyone thinks is the uke of your relationship.” Reno gave Zack a solid stare.

 

“What?” he couldn't help the way he launched out of the chair. “What does that even mean?” Looking to Seph was no help, he was just staring off into space.

 

“Are you insinuating that my lieutenant is a woman, Turk?”

 

“Hey now,” Reno raised his hands helplessly. “Don't shoot the messenger. Everyone thinks that Fair is nothing but a first-class ass with a dick where his vagina should be.”

 

Zack was torn between throwing the chair at Reno and collapsing back into it. Thankfully he didn't have to make a decision.

 

“I suggest you leave the room before I disembowel you.” Seph said it evenly, as he always said threats he would actually make due on.

 

As much as Zack wanted to punch Reno's lights out, he did not want his favorite Turk bleeding out on the foor. “Hold on, Seph.”

 

Reno must have caught the horror on his face. “Ah, well, bossman was just about to come and get me. I gotta fix some shit up anyway.”

 

Sephiroth just sat there glowering until Reno was gone. Zack knew there was a camera watching them – that meant no playing. Instead, he just picked up the clicker with a sigh. And then he pressed the next button.

 

What he saw there was definitely  _not_ an alternate universe version of themselves. That had been a very real, and very intimate moment in the bedroom. Before Zack could get all of his wits about him, the silver general was already stalking to the door. Even from his back, Zack could tell he was ready to kill. 

 

“Oh god, Seph, wait!” Zack didn't want to leave with the damn projector on. He fumbled with the controller, going through more and more of the damning pictures. How the fuck had they even been pictured? Zack finally gave up and pulled the projector out of the ceiling.

 

It was too late, there was a very Reno-ish “Don't kill me!” that came from beyond the closed door.

 

 


End file.
